Why does Nicolas Cage suck?

Original My Space post date: October 4, 2006

To my friends I'm sure I sound like a broken record, but if I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Nicolas Cage is the worst actor of all time. I would like to take this opportunity to explain my intense hatred for this terrible, terrible actor.
I think the first time I realized how much I hated Mr. Cage was after I saw him in Con Air. His sad, poor delivery of what should be "action-infused" lines was bland and unemotional. He has the emotion of a pencil drawn stick figure while attempting to fight off terroists on a doomed airplane flight. Come on Nic, pretend you're fighting for your life here! Act like your career depends on it, even though no matter what, you're still the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola and Uncle Frank will get you work no matter how bad of an actor you are...
I am angry at the throngs of people who think he is one of the greatest action actors of all time. This is my favorite - Hollywood Salutes Nicolas Cage: An American Cinamatheque Tribute. Wow, really? We take up an entire night of television to honor Nicolas and all the great work he's done? Surely there are other actors that deserve this more than he does. Can we go as far as to say that he ranks at the top of all-time greats, along with actors such as Cary Grant, Clark Gable, Marlon Brando, Jack Nicholas...just to name a few?
Sometime after watching Con Air, I watched a movie that Nicolas had made 10 years prior, Raising Arizona. Why this man's career didn't end at the premiere of this movie is beyond me. I can't even use the same excuse for Nicolas that I use for Brad Pitt, that he's good looking and it doesn't matter how bad of an actor he is, because he's so not good looking. His large forehead due to his receding hairline is mainly prominent when you look at him these days, and his thinning hair makes me wonder if his marriage to a 20-year old is his last ditch effort to say "Hey, I'm hip, I'm young!" (Tom Cruise anyone?)
Since the day I watched Con Air, I have made a fairly successful attempt to NOT watch any Nicolas Cage movies. Unfortunately, the hype of the movie Gone in Sixty Seconds was too much for me to ignore, so I saw it. It was a great movie, and we all fell in love with Angelina Jolie for the first time, but I despised the scenes with Nicolas. Again, bland, unemotional line delivery slowed the pace of this action filled adventure.
And, against my better judgement, I saw the movie The Family Man. It looked so cute and wholesome, who couldn't love Nicolas Cage changing baby's diaper? Me. Even worse than Nicolas Cage in an action movie is Nicolas Cage in a comedy / drama because there aren't all the explosions and chase scenes to make you forget how bad Nic is at delivering his lines.
So there, my friends, are a few reasons why I won't see another Nicolas Cage movie in my life. I don't expect everyone (if anyone) to agree with me, and I actually know a few people who can call him their FAVORITE (gasp!) actor. I won't even give the satisfaction of calling him an actor.